There may only be two physical sides to a simple fence, but hypothetically speaking, a neighborhood fence represents so much more.
Think about the reason for putting it up, the kind of barrier it is, and the mindset of the person that put it there.
Are we protecting our happiness or preventing it?
We’re going to take a look at barriers in the yard and how they relate to emotional barriers.
The barrier is not the actual point here. So look out for a double entendre or two. Read between the “pickets”.
And, as you’re reading, see if any of it relates to you or someone you know.
Fences
First, let’s take a look at what a fence really is.
By literal definition, a fence is a barrier, railing, or other upright structure, intended to prevent escape or intrusion or to mark a boundary. Typically, such barrier is made of posts and wire or boards.
Robert Frost wrote that “good fences make good neighbors”.
Well, in some circumstances that’s absolutely correct.
But, many other times it more like “good neighbors make good fences”.
Let’s think about this for a minute.
The only way a good fence can make a good neighbor is if you treat each other as neighbors, not strangers, in the first place.
That would mean you would need to be neighborly.
To show neighborliness is to show friendly and helpful behavior, especially between people who live near each other. It’s creates a bond, a sense of community.
How can you do that by barricading yourself in behind a wall? Or, by not getting to know the people that live around you, your neighbors?
You can’t do that with an 8′ tall privacy fence. What it’s meant for is even in the name. That’s really a wall. You’re blocking out the world from meeting the real you — shorts and t-shirt, no make-up, hair a mess you.
We all have imperfections, that’s part of our being. Our ability to accept those imperfections is our self-confidence. The ability to let others see them is our strength.
However, if you are the type of person that entertains a lot or likes to nude sunbathe in the summer, having a privacy fence would actually be doing your neighbor a kindness.
Hey, it’s your right to run around naked in your backyard if you want to. Am I right?
It would show that you’re a courteous person to respect your neighbors rights. Just be sure to let them know so they don’t think you’re shutting them out for other reasons.
That being said, if your trying to contain animals (dogs, goats, chickens, etc.) a 6′ tall fence may be what you actually need. However, that falls into the necessity category, not the choice category, which is what our focus is today.
Shorter fences respect the boundary lines but allow for random conversations and socializing. You can each sit in your yards and chat back and forth without even noticing the barrier between you.
Your individual lives happen around you in your own back yards. But if one of you needs something, you can pass it right over the fence — even a hug.
Some people have white picket fences. Those short wooden fences made of flat vertical slats with pointed tops. They’re painted a pretty bright white.
For years now having a white picket fence has meant to represent the perfect home life. But we all know that in reality it does not exist.
There’s actually something called the “White Picket Syndrome”. It’s a state of mind where a person blindly holds on to the idea of what they imagine to be their perfect lifestyle to be, regardless of the inevitability that make it impossible for it to ever be a reality.
It’s very similar to to seeing things through rose-colored glasses, which I wrote about here. But it’s taken to a further degree.
They actually believe that they’re living the illusion.
Quite often people that have White Picket Syndrome have some trauma in their life that they’re trying to hide behind an exaggeration of the truth. This is a coping mechanism.
And then you have the chain link fence. It’s not expensive. It’s not meant to look pretty. It’s there to do a job and that’s it. That’s the point, the only point.
Chain link is all about being practical.
If you want to be able to see through the fence, have the sturdiness of metal, but a more attractive look, you could opt for wrought iron fencing. But you’re talking a pretty penny there.
However, the initial investment will last you a lifetime and more.
Wrought iron is strong, loyal, protective and elegant. They make you feel welcomed to be invited inside the gates, as long as you stay off the grass.
Gosh, I miss Charleston …
Walls
Now a wall is not exactly the same thing as a fence.
A wall is put up as a barricade or defense. It’s meant to hold back any pressure from the outside, so it’s made of stronger material, such as concrete, brick, or stone.
A wall is built up over time. It’s done brick by brick — stone by stone. The concrete and mortar need to set. There’s a lot that goes into it. The materials are heavy. It can wear you out.
Walls have more to do with you than your neighbors. A wall is put up because of your personality or behavior. You want to keep people out regardless of who it is.
If you put up a wall, you’re barricading yourself in. You don’t want anyone to enter without an engraved invitation, if at all.
This may be because you want to be left alone, you don’t want to let anyone be a part of your life. You want peace and quiet, uncomplicated solitary.
It could be that you like things a certain way and don’t want to risk the possibility of anything encroaching on or interfering with your routine or organization.
It could be because you’re hiding something that you don’t want others to know about. You’re suspicious of everything, possibly to the point of paranoia.
You could be protecting someone inside. Keeping everyone away. But this type of protection could be suffocating to the other person. It’s a control issue and could very well damage the relationship between the two of you.
Or, it could be that you don’t want to see what’s going on outside of your own little space. You want to live without influence from the outer world. This fear could be paralyzing and cause you to lose complete contact with everyone else.
In any case, when you build a wall, your guard is up and your level of trust is low, almost nonexistent.
A wall is made to be impermeable. You can’t just easily “take it down”.
There are two ways to take a wall down. You patiently chip away at it — little by little — until it finally crumbles at your feet. This takes a long time, but it happens without notice.
The second way is quicker. You blast through it. Just blow it up.
This makes a lot of noise and creates a lot of shrapnel, so go into it well prepared. But, once the dust clears and the pieces are picked up, the wall is gone.
Hedges
Another type of boundary is a hedge.
A hedge is a row of bushes or small trees planted close together, that form a fence or boundary.
Hedges are not an instant barrier. They are alive and take years to grow to their full purpose.
They’re a natural alternative that requires a bit of attention to keep in proper form. You could let them grow naturally, but they would become very unruly. You have to give them attention.
A hedge is definitely not a one-sided decision. If you put up a hedge, you most likely have a good relationship with your neighbor.
Depending on where you live, your neighbor will be responsible for maintaining his side of the hedge. So, it’s definitely something that affects more than just you.
Hedges are for trusting people that work well with others.
Hedges are interesting because depending on the types of foliage, height, and density of the hedge, in some cases it could technically be more of a wall.
Let me explain …
If you plant tall growing shrubs like arborvitae or yew, it’s so that people can’t see into your yard and you can’t see into theirs.
But, it’s not a wall because animals (and some people) can still find their way through near the bottom. So, not a wall.
At first glance it seems like you want complete privacy. But once you get to know someone, you’re okay with them slipping on through. It’s just a façade.
You might not always want to see what’s going on in the rest of the neighborhood, though. You like to feel like your the only house around, now and then. That’s why the tall shrubs are so nice. You can’t see over them.
Now let’s talk about the dense hedges. They’re made of shrubs like boxwoods, laurel, privet, and such. They’re thick and full like one long shrub.
It hurts to even stick your hand inside. There’s no way you can get through these, not even at the bottom.
This is a wall, not brick and mortar, but still a wall in it’s own sense of the word.
You can see over the top, barely in some cases, and have a chat with your neighbor, but that’s as far as you get without an invitation.
Although, you might be able to get to the other side by helping to trim the hedges.
This is the neighbor that usually has a pristine lawn. They may even have a white picket fence in the front yard.
Their somewhat concerned with appearances and what others would think if things weren’t perfect.
They usually know a lot about what’s going on in the neighborhood. More than the neighborhood knows about them, because they tend to keep people at an arms length (the wall).
This person craves positive attention and affirmations, but is too self-conscious to let their guard down and show the “person behind the mask”.
People can sense this and will misinterpret it as being cold and conceited.
As a result, they quite often feel a bit lonely, even when their not alone.
Last, we have the hedge that made of loosely planted shrubs.
You can see over them, squeeze between them, and crawl under them.
There purpose is basically to look pretty along the edge of the property line. That’s it. They’re not meant to keep anyone out or lock anyone in.
Most likely, if you’ve planted these shrubs, you are open, happy, and comfortable in your own skin.
You’re friendly, warm, and easy-going. People sense this and are naturally drawn to you like the lost puppy that showed up on your back porch.
You invite your neighbors over for coffee in the morning and supper at night.
Your kids play with their kids and they run back and forth like it’s one big backyard.
There’s no real defining line when you mow, yet the grass always gets cut. You work together.
Neighbors
I’ll say it again, “Good neighbors make good fences” and I’m sticking by that.
For instance, during the Covid quarantine people got pretty creative about figuring ways to physically be with each other while social distancing.
I bet you’ve already seen this, it went viral, but I’m showing you again because I love it so much.
These two men in Canada made a double-sided flip down bar on each side of the privacy fence in their backyards.
They were best friends that found a way to hang out with each other at home while still socially distancing themselves.
Another set of neighbors in Australia rigged a section of their privacy fence to rotate halfway, becoming a table.
These are the ideal definitions of “good neighbors make good fences”.
They demonstrate the true bonds of a loving friendship. The “love you, man” hugs are real here and they come from both sides.
There are also types of fences out there that look the same on both sides, so there’s no better or worse.
They’re called “Good Neighbor Fences”.
Quite often neighbors will split the costs 50/50, agree on design, and share the maintenance. The fence is then built directly on the property line.
In contrast, we have what is called the “Spite Fence”.
This is when neighbors aren’t getting along for one reason or another. So, one puts up a fence just to piss the other one off.
The fence is tall, for privacy. Some are taller than 6 feet high. They don’t want the other person to be able to see into their yard anymore.
The person that put up the fence will usually deny that it was for spite and will say it was just for privacy, which pisses the other neighbor off even more.
There are so many reasons that the disagreement can elevate to the point of going to court over the fence.
For instance, the neighbor may be upset that the fence is blocking his view of a lake or blocking out the sunlight from his yard.
Or what if they painted the side that faced your house pink?
If the fence is over 6′ tall, in many instances, they’re considered “Spite Fences”.
That reason alone could actually be just cause for the judge to rule that the fence be taken down.
A “Spite Fence” is extremely detrimental to a relationship and can really cause irreparable damage.
So put a lot of thought into the consequences of putting up a “Spite Fence” because they will be long term.
It may just be better to work it out with your neighbor.
So, as you can see, the type of barrier we build is determined by our own level of trust, or lack of.
The type of neighbor we are is determined by how close we get to someone else while still respecting their boundaries.
The type of boundaries we set depend on how willing we are to open ourselves up to someone else.
You’ll never know what happiness may lie on the other side of the fence if you never open the gate.
References
- UrbanDictionary.com White-Picket-Fence-Syndrome by Esgaroth January 9, 2010
- HuffPost – White Picket Fence Syndrome By richa mishra, Contributor Oct 5, 2016
- The Brownstone Detectives – THE “SPITE WALL” OF CALDERVILLE (1919) Jan 6, 2020
- Tree and Neighbor Law For Homeowners and Professionals, DESPITE THE SPITE, IT’S THE WRONG HEIGHT, Sep 3, 2021 by TLRoot
- Wikipedia contributors. “Spite fence.” Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 5 Jun. 2023. Web. 16 Jul. 2023.
- Cottage Life – Easy DIY fence bar project for under $120 – BY MEGAN MCPHADENPUBLISHED: MAY 27, 2020UPDATED: JUNE 29, 2022
- DailyMail.com – Now that’s a real beer garden! Two drinking friends convert fence panel into flip-down bar after their local pub shut amid lockdown – By KIERAN JACKSON FOR MAILONLINE PUBLISHED: 06:49 EDT, 27 April 2020 | UPDATED: 07:32 EDT, 27 April 2020
